Is a new addition to the blog, i get some emails now and again from people asking for my advice on certain subjects. I got an email recently from Jessica asking what i thought about the points leading up to a relationship and dating and how to maintain that if and when you get to that point. I did tell her that i probably wasn’t the best person to ask that but i’d try my best, this was my response:

When i was younger i think there was some point that i was assessing what you had to do to make a woman happy. I don’t really know if it was preparation for when i was older, as i was probably only twelve when i started doing this or rather an evaluation as to why the world around me only worked at about a 30% rate.
I saw all these people in love and tried to think to myself, “Why is this one not working out?” and so on and so forth. Yes, there are the usuals:

1. Cheating; I have been on both ends of this one, and i think mostly it stems from one of two things, boredom, or insecurity whether it be in your relationship lacking something or feeling that you yourself lack something in the long run. This one though is easily avoidable though, you either grow up and get over the things that are bogging you down, or you realize your current situation really isn’t for you. The classic saying comes to mind, “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.”
2. Abuse; Physical or mental can be equally damaging. I think there gets a point in a certain relationship where people pass a certain point. I’m not even going to speak on a physical sense because to me there is never a reason to strike another person you’re involved with, NEVER. With that being said, don’t get me wrong, i think its impossible to not yell at someone you’re involved with for an extended period of time at one point or another. But then it borders the line of mental abuse. Hearing someone that you’re supposed to trust/love/be your everything put you down over and over is just damaging and over an extended period of time becomes incredibly difficult to deal with. This can slowly chip away at that light you hold that person in, wearing down those butterflies you get in your tummy for them, and slowly having them be replaced with just a nervous state of mind.
3. Lying; Now a lot of people would cast this in the same category as cheating, but i don’t think that’s really fair. There are a lot of liars out there who would never go as far as to cheat on their significant other because its a line that they just won’t cross. But this is my favorite breaker to me. I’d rather have a girl i was dating cheat on me and be honest about it, than make a “mistake” and then lie. Actually i’ll break it down even easier, i’d rather have a woman cheat on me once and learn her lesson, come clean, than to date her an entire relationship and have her keep lying to me about things. To me no matter how little a lie, its still something that shows a lack of honor, moral fiber, and character in a human being. I also don’t understand why people do this. Really, telling the truth is just easier.

eg:
GUY: “Babe, did you have sex with that dude?”
GIRL: “Nope.”

In truth she really did and he will be cool now that he knows that the random stares from across the room are completely innocent. But, when he finds out (and he will, everyone always finds out anything) in about a year at some party, well you can see how this takes a detrimental toll on the entire relationship thus leading it down a winding path of distrust and argument that six months later will eventually lead to #2 and or #1.
Versus, if she just told the truth, he gets mad for maybe a couple days and then after some good make up sex everything is cool.
I never got why people lied. I think when i was younger i lied a lot, but it was always been in fear of letting someone down. In the last couple years of my life a lot has changed and the way i go about doing everything has changed to accompany that as well.
I always tell people that i’ll always tell them the truth, and that’s not always easy, but its always best.
4. Approval; This one is probably the toughest one for me. Human beings as part of their nature constantly need some sort of approval. Even the people that say they don’t need approval really do. Whether that approval comes in the form of good grades, a fellow co worker, or in this case family/friends everyone needs approval. A bunch of my friends have told me that relationships that don’t have the support of family/friends could never work out. But this one i feel a bit unsure about. I’m the sort of person that is incredibly independent, and don’t get it confused. I am incredibly close to all of my family and hold my friends in extremely high regard. But if i really really liked someone and knew that they were “it” i don’t know as much if i would let it affect me. Yes, the people in your life are there to look out for you, but really are they always correct in their assumptions?

Now with all that being said, i set out when i was about 12 years old on a journey to make myself on point. Notes, relationships, books, movies, getting myself ready for my future wife for whenever i met her in a grocery store, or outside a movie theatre or one of those silly situations.
But rules don’t always cut it. Sometimes you find yourself in those in between situations. I think we all know what I’m talking about.
You’re seeing someone etc etc. we don’t have to be crude but you know you’ve both crossed aline that begins to beg a lot of questions, so really what is going on?

I think really you have to think to yourself, yes, there is the possibility that you’re not going to like the answer you get, that answer being, “No, i’m not ready, i was just looking to have fun etc etc.”. Yes, that’s a bummer but wouldn’t you rather know that sooner than later?
Sometimes you go into things and get more out of them than you expect not necessarily in a bad way either, just more than you expect, and that in itself can be overwhelming for some people and make them change the way they think about the situtation in one light or another. All i know is that you have to take it slow. Human beings by nature do not like to be backed into a corner, or they will push back. Give it some time, drop some subtle hints over the course of the next few weeks, and then if nothing hints back, then just throw that question out there. If the answer is a no, DO NOT STICK AROUND. I never understand why people do that, sticking around hoping that the answer will change in a casual dating situation. If someone doesn’t feel you’re what they want, take you away, have some pride in yourself, and keep looking. If things do work out, just make sure you don’t do #1 - #4 EVER! Yes, things can be mundane at certain points but just remember being spontaneous & thoughtful go a long way to maintaining longevity in a healthy & happy relationship.
My friend James says it best, “The reason why people always break up is because they’re too busy thinking about themselves. Put that other person ahead of you consistently and you’ll consistently be happy.”

Hope this was helpful Jessica.